Conversation With Emily #92

I'm back to blogging again. Will it last? Who knows? Stick around and find out.

Tonight Emily and I were flipping through the channels and she wanted to watch some show about hoarders. About ten minutes later I had watched enough.

Me (opening laptop): You know this room we're in looks like it could be on the show.

Emily: I know. We do have a lot of surface areas covered. I've seen enough of this show. I feel like cleaning the house... or making a bigger mess around here.

And she opted for the latter and is making a big mess in the kitchen. But that means oatmeal chocolate chip cookies are on the way!!

Conversations With Emily #7132897

While watching the finalists line-up for the 110 meter men's high hurdles.

Me Oliver looks like he's dirty, but I have to cheer for him. He is an American afterall. (Editor's Note: Dirty = performance enhancing drugs. Click here to judge for yourself.)

Emily What about Urkel? Aren't you going to cheer for him?

By Urkel she, of course meant Dayron Robles, who won the event.

Click here to judge for yourself.



Urkel indeed. She called the winner of the race. She made an Urkel reference.

Well played.

Conversation With Emily #672392

This one was an incredibly short conversation, as Emily had a question I couldn't answer. We were watching the Olympics and they showed footage of the Great Wall of China, high atop the Himalayas.

Emily What's the point of that wall? Did it do any good? I mean if someone could climb that mountain, wouldn't they have no problem climbing over a wall?

Me Silence (Editor's Note: She does have a valid point. I just had no answer).

Conversation With Emily #125

Emily and I went to the Twins game Wednesday night. The Twins stunk up the joint so we had some quality time together, along with 40,000+ other disappointed Twins fans. Being bored, Emily thought she'd be all wife-life and cozy up next to me.

Emily (with her hand on my bicep) Hey, don't you usually flex when I touch your arm? (Editor's Note: When I do this, I flex with irony)

Me I am.

Emily No, I mean really flex.

Me I am.

Emily Are you sure?

Oh snap.



Nasty Nate took this picture of me after I ordered a salad in a bar and grill last week. In my defense, I had a wild game burger the night before and wanted to take a breather from red meat.

Conversation With Emily #7812

This afternoon when I got home from work, Emily alerted me to the fact that we were out of toilet paper. I have been married long enough to know that this was not a conversation starter or a statement of fact, but an indirect request for me to go to the store and buy some toilet paper.

So I grabbed the keys, let the dog know he was going for a ride with me to the store and was halfway down the stairs to leave when Emily stopped me.

Emily Wait. You know you need to buy a certain kind right?

Me Oh yeah I forgot. You're protesting the bears right (Editors note: I actually had forgotten Emily has specific toilet paper requests. Good thing she reminded me, or I would have ended up buying a Hannah Montana spiral notebook because it was on sale: two notebooks for 99 cents. I'd figure we could use the notebook paper as toilet paper).

Emily It has to be Cottenelle, the one with the puppy on it. No bears shitting in woods or bitches who cross stitch.

I have no idea what "the bitches who cross stitch" reference is all about, but I knew I had better come back with some toilet paper with a puppy on the wrapper. So I came back with mixed news: somewhere during the course of the evening I had to let Emily know I was able to buy Cottenelle, but only in a four pack.

Emily But they had jumbo packs of the other brands?

Me Yup.

Emily Well they must have been sold out of the big packs of Cottenelle because it's so popular.

I should add that she made this statement as if it is one of God's truths.

And what I love is how this was perfectly logical to Emily. It is assumed everyone who shops at the Walgreen's on 46th and Hiawatha in the Longfellow neighborhbood of Minneapolis adheres to the "Don't Buy Toilet Paper With Wrappers Depicting Bears or Bitches Who Cross Stitch" rule. As if it's a widely taught bathroom rule, right up there with "If it's yellow let it mellow" and "Knock before entering a Port-A-Potty."

Conversation With Emily #980

Tomorrow morning I plan on playing a one-on-one basketball game with a friend of mine. We'll call him The Newlywed. Full court one-on-one, that is. Full court one-on-one to 300. Full court one-on-one to 300, counting by ones.

Obviously, this game alone is reason enough to write a post. But this post is about a conversation Emily and I had about this upcoming, non-so-much anticipated game.

Emily: So, is anyone going to watch you guys play the game?

Mike: God no. Me and The Newlywed playing basketball? Do you have any idea how ugly this game will be?

Emily: So who will be shirts and who will be skins?

Mike: No one.

Emily: What do you mean? You said it was going to be ugly.

Oh snap.

Conversation with Emily #6567

This evening in our den...

Me: What are you watching?

Emily: Oh some reality show about a guy who has to choose between dating some 40 year old girls and some 20 year old girls.

Me: Seems like a no-brainer.

Emily: (ignores me) It might be so bad that it will be good. But you won't like it. You'll just make fun of it.

Me: I don't need to watch it to make fun of it do I?

Emily: {no response--crickets chirp}

Editor's Note: This is not the first time Emily has told me she was watching a reality TV show that I was not welcome to watch. I guess I am too judgmental and take all the fun out of watching the show. But I would like to add that each time this occurs, the show's premise is exponentially more absurd than the one before it.